Hilarious joke about a lawyer went duck hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra.

We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

{ I love this part }...

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

MORAL : When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you'll know which half !!!

I told you I was broke (Hilarious long joke)

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner."

"Go away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said "well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

Source: Reddit

Best Funny Joke about A Man Goes to the Council to Apply for a Job

A man goes to the Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''

''OK, have you ever been in the military service?''

he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.'' The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''

The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.''

The interviewer grimaces and then says, ''Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. 

Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."

The man is puzzled and asks, ''If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10?"

''This is a government job," the interviewer says. ''For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Really Funny Jokes About Three Construction Workers

Three construction workers are having a break, building a large complex.

The first says:"dammit, my sandwich has ham again. If I get one again tomorrow, I will jump off, I swear."

The second one says:"I got eggs again. If I get eggs again, I'm going to jump off."

The third said:"pickles. dammit, if I get pickles again, I'm going to jump off."

The next day comes, and at the break the first one opens his lunchbox and sees a sandwich with ham. He jumps off.

The second one opens his box and jumps off. and the third one does likewise.

At the funeral, the first man's widow says:"oh, if I had only listened to him, he would still be alive."

The second wife says:"I should have listened and changed his lunch. He would still be alive if I did."

The third wife says:"I don't understand. He made his own lunch".

Clean Long Jokes About Five Monkeys

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.

Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other four monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked in the same manner. The previous newcomer also takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Replace another of the original monkeys with a new one. The new one attempts to the climb the stairs and is attacked as well. The second newcomer will join the attack like the first one did. Now two of the four monkeys that beat the latest arrival both have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys with the same method, all the monkeys which had originally been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. None of the monkeys now in the cage have ever been sprayed with water whilst attempting to climb the stairs. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."

Replace the Monkeys with company management, and the stairs with policy and procedural improvements, and you get the same results.

Really Hilarious Joke about Two Men and a Big Hole in the Woods

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

'Wow ... that looks deep,' says one. 'Let's toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.' They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound.

'Gee - that is a really deep hole. Let's throw one of these big rocks in. That should make a noise.'

 They picked up two football-sized rocks and tossed them into the hole and waited, but still they heard nothing.

'There's a railway sleeper over here in the weeds,' said one. 'If we toss that in, it's definitely going to make some noise.'

They dragged the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heaved it in, but not a sound came from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appeared, running like the wind. 

It rushed towards the two men and ran right between them, running as fast as its legs could go. Then it leaped into the air and disappeared into the hole.

The two men stood there, astonished at what they'd just seen. 

Out of the woods came a farmer who said, 'Hey! Did you guys see my goat?'

 'You bet we did! It was the craziest thing we've ever seen! It came running like the wind out of the woods and jumped into that hole!'

'Nah,' says the farmer. 'That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railway sleeper!'

Funny Long Jokes about a Man and His Wife's Cat

A man really hated his wife’s cat.

One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.

When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again.

Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

“Is the cat there?” He asked.

“Yes…” she replied.

“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”.